Pope Francis Aides Conspired to Snarl Communion Line Traffic in Basilica of Cardinal Who Did Not Cast Vote for Him

VATICAN––It was revealed today that senior assistants to Pope Francis conspired to snarl lines for Holy Communion in the basilica of a “rival Cardinal.”  In an EOTT exclusive, an anonymous source said that some of Pope Francis’ top aides remained bitter toward supporters of an undisclosed papal candidate who came close to being elected at the March 2013 conclave. Information leaked from the papal election named Santos Abril y Castello, Archpriest of the Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore, as one of the cardinals who had cast his vote for a runner-up instead of then-Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio. In official emails and text messages shown to EOTT today, Papal aides discussed Castello’s non-support of Francis in bitter tones in the months following the election. In one email dated December 4, 2013, an aide to Pope Francis, Father Pietro Torelli mentions Castello’s vote and jokes with another aide, “Time for some communion traffic problems in Maria Maggiore!” Many Maria Maggiore parishioners had complained to EOTT that there was a total absence of Eucharistic ministers at the Basilica on Sunday, causing people to wait an “unbearable” twenty to twenty-five minutes to receive Holy Communion. “It was more than I could take,” said one frustrated parishioner. “Usually there are about ten Eucharistic Ministers, but there was only two. For the first time in my life, I walked out of Mass before receiving Communion. I usually run right out after receiving, but since I was at the end of the long and only Communion line, I knew that the parking lot would be a zoo if I did not get out of there soon.” Pope Francis held a news conference today denying knowledge of the incident and promising that any of his aides involved in ordering Eucharistic Ministers at the Basilica to stay home from Mass would be dismissed. Vatican observers wonder if this ugly incident jeopardizes Francis’ chances to repeat as TIME magazine’s “Person of the Year” in 2014. “I am not a bully,” the Pope sadly told reporters. “I don’t know how I got that reputation. Maybe because I was once a bouncer? I don’t know.”