Eye Of The Tiber 2013 Year In Review

This January, Canadian pastor Ben Gregor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours after no laity could be found to bring up the gifts to the altar. After being questioned as to why there needed be anyone to bring up the gifts, Gregor justified his decision telling EOTT that, “Without Mary’s Fiat, there is no Jesus to be born; and without the laity’s Fiat in presenting, there is no bread to become Jesus.” Later that month, Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o realized he had been duped into playing for fake a Catholic university, and in a controversial move, the Chicago School Board banned crosses and lower case T’s.

In February, parishioners were mystified by the sudden appearance of a mysterious “shiny, golden box,” which turned out to be a tabernacle. Later that month, Vatican insiders confirmed that the reason Benedict XVI resigned was because the Roman Curia was too “fabulous” for him, revealing that Benedict was a simple man who could not keep up with the non-stop furniture re-arrangements, hair stylings, or near-hourly musical numbers he found himself surrounded by in the Vatican.

Berkley sophomore Emanuel Ramsey revealed that he was extremely nervous about possibly coming out of the closet to friends and fellow classmates about his opposition to gay marriage in March, saying that “I’ve been living a lie and I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of hiding who I really am.” In the meantime at the Vatican, just days after many were let down that the first ever black, Jewish, woman, lesbian pope was not elected, the recently elected Pope Francis picked up a midnight shift at McDonald’s to help the poor. The manager at the McDonald’s reportedly said that although His Holiness was “ridiculously overqualified” for the job, that he didn’t exactly know how to say no to him.

The following month in April, Pope Francis made his television debut in the show Undercover Boss where he went undercover to investigate the Roman Curia. At Gonzaga University, a new text message Mass became all the rage as students were finally able to respond to the priest with their cell phones. “The priest texted everyone, ‘Th Lord b W u,’ and I was all texting back like, ‘n w ur spirit ; ),’ said one student. “It was awesome.” Nearing the end of the month, Catholics around the country were shocked when Catholic Answers announced they would be closing their doors because they had “run out of questions to answer,” and were even more shocked to learn that EWTN had inexplicably and “for absolutely no good reason whatsoever” decided to pick up TV show Life on the Rock for yet another season, prompting one EWTN viewer to wonder “how a good and loving God could allow something like this to happen…season after season.”

Come we now to May and June where a 17-year-old homeschool boy was able to figure out the Trinity while his mother combed his hair in the kitchen. In the U.S. millions were forced to miss the Pope’s global Holy Hour due to “super busy schedules.” ”I’m just absolutely swamped right now,” millions said in unison. “I hardly have time to breathe. I mean, I know that’s a bad excuse and all, but it’s just…you know,” millions of Catholics, located everywhere from Rome to Venezuela reported. Big news out of Fairbanks, Arkansas came in June when the local diocese obtained an email address to evangelize the modern world. “Once our modem is hooked up, we will be able to take part in the world wide webs,” a diocesan official said. In political news, after reporting that late-term abortion was sacred ground to her, Nancy Pelosi went on to say that virgin sacrifices at Black Masses were also sacred ground to her. In schismatic news, a disobedient SSPV woman wore shoes in the kitchen, and Sedevacantist Singles employees were unsure as to whether to recognize the authority of company president.

In July and August, the second miracle attributed to John XXIII was confirmed after what the Vatican called an “inexplicable surge of supernatural endurance” when a Murrieta man was able sit through the entire St. Therese film in one sitting. Also that month, one million young-adults visited Rio de Janeiro to see Pope Francis on a gigantic screen, many of whom looked at their phone screens as they recorded the larger screen showing the Holy Father. On his way back from Rio de Janeiro, Pope Francis sent shockwaves through the Catholic Church after The New York Times reported that he had declared homosexuality obligatory for all Catholics. “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge, and would it not be judgmental for me to not require all Catholics to walk in his footsteps?” The New York Times reported him as saying. A Maestro who conducted his symphonies with his back facing the audience was labelled a “Radical Traditional.” A new California Law forced parishes to switch to e-thuribles. A new study found that diversity was the greatest of all moral virtues, and the USCCB deferred every Holy Day of Obligation to Easter.

September, October, November, December, go. An Argentinian man whose every word was misconstrued and misrepresented by the media thought that a 12,000 word interview would be a good idea. “Sure, the media has made mistakes,” he said. “But you know, I believe fifth chances.” Later in October, Pope Emeritus Benedict finally broke his silence with a letter written to a prominent Italian atheist. The atheist denied the existence of a letter saying that anyone who believed in such a letter was “deceiving themselves.” At a local Clown Mass in November, a clown was reprimanded for honking the Sanctus Horn at the wrong part of the consecration, the music of Marty Haugen was outlawed under a new Geneva Convention resolution, and a man dressed as a tabernacle at a Haloween party was ignored, and promptly moved to the corner of the room. A new study was released by Catholics and non-Catholics that all that really matters in life is having a good heart. The Dark Lord Sauron was announced as head speaker for next year’s LCWR Annual Assembly, and Pope Francis named 2014 “The Year of Terror.”

Behold, another few minutes of your life has passed and you’ve chosen to waste it on a stupid little satirical recap of the news rather than spending that time praying for the holy souls in Purgatory. For shame. Now go on and say three Hail Marys and three Our Fathers. See you next week.