Man Fondly Remembers Time When A Man Could Read Bible In Public Without Fear Of Being Ridiculed, Beheaded

New Philadelphia––Thinking back to a time long ago, 80-year-old New Philadelphian Gary Walker told his grandchildren that he remembered a time when a man could own a bible without fear of public humiliation and execution. “Oh, I see the skepticism in your faces,” Walker told his grandchildren as he sat in a rocking chair beside the fire. “But believe you me, there was a time not long ago when a man could sit down at a local coffee shop without utter fear that he would get caught, strapped to a pole, whipped and flogged, before finally being beheaded.” Despite not having seen a bible in over three decades, Walker said that the memory of the feel of the book would forever be etched in his memory. “Oh, it was a big ol’ thing. Said a lot of intolerant things. The people over at the National Association of Bestiality were outraged when they read that God disapproved of a few things.” Walker also confirmed to his grandchildren that there was indeed a time when a female could not marry a female, or a male marry a male goat. In fact, Walker went on to describe the first day the bible was banned, saying that many Catholics were extremely confused. “Oh, yeah, many Catholics were extremely confused. I remember my friend calling me up and asking, ‘What’s this book they’re banning. You ever read it?'”