Zombie Apocalypse At Heart of Evangelii Gaudium

VATICAN––In a recently published document released by the Vatican Tuesday, Pope Francis writes about the type of community he  wants Catholicism to become. In the 224-page Apostolic Exhortation, Francis asks those in the Church to become more visionary, more merciful, and to begin packing the necessary items needed to survive the impending zombie apocalypse. “I dream of a missionary option,” Francis writes, “that is capable of transforming everything, so that the Church’s customs and ways of doing things can be suitably channeled for the evangelization of today’s world. Also, we must think of tomorrow’s world, and to begin preparing for the night of the living dead, when the dead shall rise to feast on the flesh of the living.”

Francis goes on to ask all Catholics to come to a process of conversion, saying that those who are truly disciples will be missionary disciples, characterized by the joy of the faith. “Evangelizers,” he says, “must never look like someone who has just come back from a funeral, for indeed, some of those that come back from a funeral in those days may be the very people that were buried.” “But rather,” he continues, “we must be those who wish to share the joy of those who have passed, but who have not ‘turned,’ thanking the Lord for taking them out of such a sad and desolate world and into His merciful arms, who invites others to a delicious banquet [of real food like pizza and donuts,] as opposed to human flesh.” Francis goes on to describe how the Church must go forth, “building bridges to help men, women, and children escape a horde of walkers,” and by supporting others, taking on the smell of the sheep so as to hide their scent from the walking dead, and to patiently seek to accompany them on their journey. ”

“For truly, in those days, we shall all be infected. And when we pass, it will only be a matter of hours before we too turn into these animated, yet soulless corpses, prowling about the earth.” Francis reminds the faithful that the good news of Christ’s resurrection should be the heart of the Gospel, “In the end, we shall all rise in imitation of Christ, who rose and conquered death so that we too may rise. But for those whose bodies rise without their souls, we will be called to free them by bullet, sword, hammer, arrow, or bat to the skull. The important thing I’m trying to get through to you, I guess, is that it must be through the brain. You must kill the brain, or else they will just keep coming.”