Report: All That Really Matters Is Having A Good Heart

Portland, OR–A new study released today by millions of Catholics and non-Catholics from across the globe shows that having a good heart is more pleasing to God than following the teachings of the Church. “I’m so happy to say that after close to 2,000 years of dogmatism, we have successfully proven that the way into God’s heart, and ultimately into Heaven, is not by going to church or confessions, but by being nice,” said Hugh Benson, the 48-year-old lapsed Catholic who spearheaded the study. “It’s not to say that Catholics that go to Mass cannot go to heaven, but it’s that church-goers do tend to become intolerant and consequently, mean. The study proves that it’s perhaps easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is devout to enter the Kingdom of God…or Allah, or Buddah, or Mother Earth. Benson added that, along with being nice, the study also showed that smiling and never criticizing is “truly the essence of being a Doctor of the Church, here on earth.” “It all comes down to Karma. Jesus did many good things, and yet he died. How does that fit in with Karma? Who knows, perhaps it was because he lost his temper and overturned the tables of the money changers. Perhaps he hurt a couple doves in the process. That’s not nice.”