“In Short, Don’t Be Hypocritical Little SOB’s,” Francis Says In First Encyclical

Vatican City––Just days after Pope Francis issued his first encyclical, many theologians are calling his first document a profound meditation on the ancient Christian teaching of how not to be a hypocritical little SOB. The document, called Lumen Fidei, “draws upon centuries of tradition that teaches us that the road to joy and salvation can only be attained by faith and charity, as opposed to the more prominent tendency to become a ‘sniveling little SOB,’ said Monsignor Henry Ross, a professor at the Pontifical University of the Holy Cross in Rome. “In the encyclical, we are able to see for the first time Francis’ candor as he graceful and bluntly touches upon the tendency of the Christian to fear complete abandonment to faith and love, and to turn rather to being an unbearable little pagan.” Francis’ priorities comes through right from in his first chapter titled, I Don’t Know How Many Ways The Church Can Say This, But I Guess I’ll Take A Stab At It, where Francis insists on the role of Christians to “not be pricks if they eventually wanna get to Heaven.” The Pontiff goes on to say that, “Basically what I’m trying to say is this; the union of being a Christian and not being a hypocritical SOB are so intertwined that they become one. They are united, married, so to speak, one to the other. Let me try this again. The Christian ought to remember that to truly become, or at least take his first steps as an imitation of Christ, he is called to remove the $500 blinged-out rosary that he has purchased from Neiman Marcus, and that now rests, unused, upon his overly-tanned chest while getting stupid drunk and fist-pumping on a bar-top, and try saying a couple of Ave’s. This then is the Christian message; that Christ came down from Heaven that men and women may stop being SOB’s and start acting like decent people.”