Many Disappointed First-Ever Black, Jewish, Woman, Lesbian Pope Not Elected

A Catholic Argentinian Man

VATICAN–Sadness and a general sense of ennui slowly crept through media outlets, liberal households, and university campuses Wednesday, as the realization became more and more apparent that the Catholic Church had failed yet again to elect its first-ever black, Jewish, woman, lesbian Pope. “I just don’t understand how they can keep screwing up like this,” a dejected Sheperd Smith said as he slouched over a glass of water, slowly dipping his finger into the water and pressing it against his temples. “That’s the problem with the Church today…they choose an Argentinian man when all it ever needed was an Argentian woman…preferably black and lesbian and Jewish…but not Jewish, Jewish…that would defeat the purpose…I’m talking about hollywood Jewish.”