Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About

Belvue, KS–Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February. “His Holiness is deeply saddened by all the lies and hullabaloo that have been spread about him in the papers this morning stating that he is retiring due to health issues,” a source reported to his mailman. “His Holiness is in perfect health…in fact, he has all the energy and vigor of a 56-year-old layman from Kansas.” Another source, his auntie, who was present at the press conference with the mailman also went on to affirm that Pope Michael was in good health, saying that he was at that moment excersising on the trampoline in the backyard. At press time Pope Michael was being informed that the news coverage was actually covering the retirment of Pope Benedict XVI, to which he is reported as bitterly responding, “Oh…that guy.”