As Israel And Palestine Brace For War, Vatican Set To March On Jerusalem

TEL AVIV––After days of Israeli bombings in and around Gaza, Hamas has retaliated with a rocket that killed three just north of the Gaza Strip, bringing the death toll up to 19. As the conflict in the fragile region continues to escalate, some believe that the Vatican’s decision to send 100 Swiss Guards to march and retake Jerusalem a mistake. “I guess I’m just kinda confused,” Chief of General Staff for the Israeli Army Rav Aluf Benny Gantz said Friday. “Is it a symbolic thing or something?”

But according to Commander of the Pontifical Swiss Guard Daniel Rudolf Anrig, there is nothing symbolic about war. “I believe that we are fully prepared and equiped for war. Look at us…look at the men behind me,” Anrig said from atop his horse, pointing down behind him at the small army, donned in their bright camouflaged uniforms of yellow, red, white, and blue. “The enemy has missiles, yes…but we have shields. Also…our use of the phalanx is outstanding.” Anrig believes that by marching on Jerusalem and driving out the Palestinian and Israeli forces that have “for too long ravaged the Holy City,” that peace and order can once again be established under the flag of the Vatican. When asked how one hundred men, armed with no more than shields and swords could simultaneously defeat two armies, equipped with state-of-the-art weaponry, Anrig answered, “You ever seen 300?“